Been Forever, Don't Care.

I hate that this is the only place I can even vent anymore. But so much poop is going through my head and I'm just severely pissed the fuck off.

Every single time I hang out with my mom or anybody else in my family, I feel extremely unaccomplished. I feel like especially with my mom she goes out of my way to make me think that I'm not good enough. There are certain life skills that nobody in my family ever tried to equip me with so that I could be successful at like... anything. So I pretty much feel like I've constantly forged my way on my own. And then any time I have ever failed at anything, it's like Open Field Day on Ryan. Then there's all this constant talk about how my brothers have kids and stupid shit, no, I don't want kids. I want to finish college first? Thanks.

Speaking of which, I've never felt more retarded about a single decision in my life than not transferring after Freshman or Sophomore year like I was going to. I really wanted to transfer to Penn State with Chris, or to Kutztown, and I never did because of the friends I made at Syracuse. And now I look at it and it's like "... And how many of them do I even talk to?" and the answer is 0. I can't believe I ever was so stupid about something as that, and then in the end I know it's my fault that I'm not even great friends with them anymore.

I don't have a job because I'm too afraid of getting rejected by even looking for the simplest task and I have no way of getting here or there or anywhere. But then I'm so broke that I don't even understand how my entire life hasn't been taken to one big Debt Collection agency and just blown up with a monetary bomb.

I'm in such a stupid place in my life and it's like it ALL comes piling up every time I deal with my fucking mom. Who kicked me out months ago, but then bitches her fucking head off every time I actually have plans or want to hang out with my brothers instead of helping her move shit to her new house. How can you get angry at someone when you kick them out because your boyfriend doesn't think it is "helping you" for me to stay there?

I always just find it so ridiculous. I worked my ass off in high school, did a million and one things to keep myself busy and make her shut the fuck up, and never got into any trouble. I don't mouth off to her even when she's being a huge bitch which is a lot of the time. It's because of her that some of my relatives that I really like fucking hate my guts by default, and I honestly just wish I could rid myself of her, because she's like a plague. Part of me was really hopeful when she told me I had to move in with my dad, that she wouldn't bother me anymore. And now it's worse than ever.

Stupid.